~PERFECT~

The way of thinking stakes standards out. We break patterns experiencing something different than we know: as individuals we learn from others, families learn from families, society from society, nations from other nations, especially in the era of the internet. Every extremum has its opposite end that helps find the Truth which is in between. Yet some ideas have been generalized so much that they lost their counterweight and seem to direct the world to a wrong way.

Maybe one of them is the idea of the “perfection” desired worldwide. “Perfect” can have different meanings, but always it assumes something existing as an extremum without the opposite end. What is perfect weather to most of us? A beautiful sunny day without rain. What would happen if our wish came true and there would only be such days? We are perfectly dead… A “perfect life” is a bit more complicated, it means something different to everyone, moreover, its definition changes even for the same person in the lifetime since we evolve and our needs with us – it is intangible, so actually means nothing. Let’s have a look at the perfect persons created repetitively by computer compilating – they have perfect body parts taken from different persons – and they are boring, none, “plastic” – so the ideal becomes imperfect? Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and perceives someone as perfect – does it awaken the best in us? Not at all, rather all the “worseness” we learned to feel – our fear, not our Love. So why is “perfect” so perfect in our minds?

If “perfect” means sun without rain, beauty without individuality, life without worry, rest without work, success without effort, light without darkness, then imagine a pefrect world with perfect people and perfect weather and food and mood and every single thing  – isn’t it a bit scary? What would we live for? To repeat the perfect day again and again when nothing can change, nothing can get better, because it already is perfect? Somewhat horrible, but we seem to dream about it…

So maybe “perfect” is not that unavailable extremum from the dreams of our ego, maybe perfect instead “absolute” means “perfectly balanced” – like sun for joy and rain for growth, like beauty for inspiration and flaws for learning to love, like positive emotions for motivation and negative for warning, like rest for peace and work for satisfaction, like giving for bloom and demanding for roots, like summer for acting and winter for resting, like light for guiding and darkness for avoidig, like white and black that don’t exist without each other, like woman and man, like yin and yang. Like a sketch that doesn’t exist without a background, like anything that gets a meaning in context. Not an absolute extremum, but the balance between two opposite ends. This way of thinking makes everything perfect just because it exists and can have two opposite ends. Tomorrow it will be different, but perfect again in the new context – to move forward to another perfect state that matches a balance in a bigger scale.

Isn’t our striving for “perfect” a cause of our misery itself? The more we want one end, the more we must experience the other extremum, and we live in a rollercoster, while the peace we seek is hidden in the middle, in the balance. So maybe being Love doesn’t exclude being human, maybe we are so close to be perfect as close we are to each balance between two ends that allow each other to be experienced? Maybe wanting Love without fear we want something we wouldn’t be able to feel, like we know joy because of sadness and light because of darkness. Maybe it is just about balancing both ends – so maybe our world is much more perfect than we think and so are we? If it evolves incessantly and we evolve as individuals, there must be a balance between us and the context we live in. And isn’t it the biggest motor and blessing that we may hope tomorrow can be better in every single aspect, isn’t it the sense of our life and happiness?

So where is the room for a finished perfect state in life which is a permanent change? Is it a dream of our soul or of our mind identifying with the ego? Seems we often dream of something that is going to kill us, trying to achieve it by all costs as our happiness.

~TO PRETEND OR TO BE, THIS IS THE QUESTION~

The first thing we experience in this world are sensations and feelings – they direct us long before we are able to use words to communicate and before we are able to interpret anything logically with our mind. No one was born without the ability to feel and nobody can lose it; physical and emotional feeling conditions whether we survive – yet as with everything else we have to choose how we use it. Usually we become empathic when we feel safe enough to connect with others, and we avoid it when we feel threatened. Consistency in our acting – stemming from our basic assumption about others – makes some people masters of empathy and other people masters of manipulating emotions – they are not unable to be empathic, they learn not to be, because they fear to become vulnerable.

There are more psychopats among us than we believe, because many of us copy the psychopatic way of thinking modifying it, making it more sophisticated, harder to recognize. The ones who experienced harm directly from their parents (especially from the one they identified with because of gender) usually want to stop feeling – they deny emotions, build a wall around themselves and don’t allow others to come close. The ones who were more of a witness of harm and suffering than a victim in the family want to protect themselves – they don’t deny their feelings, but they try to manipulate all emotions. The former want to be like cyborgs and they work hard to hide their emotions, but the more they try, the more emotions spin out of their control, exposing symptoms against their will and betraying their humaneness. The latter don’t pretend they don’t have emotions – they pretend they feel something when they need it to reach a goal; they use their sensitivity to intellectually recognize and understand someone’s emotions, but they don’t allow themselves to share them for it means becoming vulnerable – their fear of getting harmed excludes empathy, excludes risking their image in relationships with others. They are like a mantis – they stage what others expect, attract them, use them for own goals and abandon to get another victim; they don’t have to kill physically, usually they kill emotionally, as they witnessed being the children, because their mind knows only two extrema of the pattern: to be a victim or to be a tormentor, to lose or to win.

What makes us psychopats? A random belief created by the mind of a little child about what makes us happy: when our experience says happiness comes from uncovering the truth about ourselves to have deep relationships with others (“it’s worth, profitable to trust people, we live together and we need to cooperate”), we practice and master our empathy; when our experience says happiness comes from hiding the truth about ourselves to reach own goals, power, success and approval (“it’s risky, wounding and painful to trust people, either you rule them or they rule you”), we learn to manipulate our own and others’ feelings – we become psychopaths. It is not a choice, it is copying a parental pattern that later becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; it stays a pattern as long as we follow the belief generally – blindly, independently from others’ behavior that differs a lot: we can trust everybody or we cannot trust anybody. Both mentioned patterns can be broken to make us react not according to them, but to a real situation, to recognition who we may trust and who we may not, but it can be done only in one way: by risking actions opposite to our belief. For understanding doesn’t change anything – we all follow anything that promises us to avoid pain, just some of us believe it is trust, and others that it’s distrust. In fact a psychopath’s child admires the parent as a winner and subconsciously copies them; usually the child doesn’t change the pattern no matter how the behavior changes, only makes it more sophisticated, harder to recognize, modified and masked on a surface, but identical on the level of assumptions, of life philosophy. A psychopath’s child can become a psychologist – an expert of understanding mechanisms of human functioning – like Kevin Dutton, and still not be able to free emotions from intellectual control.

Feeling is first, natural and common for all – staying in touch with it, trusting it, opens a door to spirituality and happiness; controlling it blocks our growth, no matter how brilliant we become intellectually or how much admired socially.

When people pretend God (Love) it always ends up as a catastrophe; when people find the connection to God (Love) within, it always lifts this world up.

~HARDSHIPS AND PROBLEMS~

Most of talents come out of a need – of a need to express something or a need to cope with something. Without any hardship in life our gifts wouldn’t get activated. When we dream to be perfect parents, we do all what we are able to to make our children’s life easy and carefree – but by doing this we block their gifts, we make them unprepared for any hardship they are going to meet outside the family, in relationships with other people. Yet we can’t stop growth – if there are no real problems to cope with, to train our abilities on – like lack of money to have what we dream about, like violence or alcoholism for example – there are created “ghost” problems – harder to see, recognize and heal, like migraine, anorexia, different forms of autoaggression. To make it clear – I don’t state that we need violence in order not to become anorexic, I just notice that no matter what we do, we are not able to protect the children from negative emotions, from guilt and pain – the more we try to protect them, the more mess we make in their emotional life, because without the substantial problem they only feel more quilty and inadequate; without a real cause to rebel, they have to seek something vicarious to test who they are on. Simply getting something from the parents that feels obviously wrong, we get a push to reflect on it, to experience how it feels, to rebel against it, to find a way to protect ourselves from it, and to define ourselves in this context anew; getting what is right we have a harder task to do – to make what we get truly ours we also have to test who we are, to try the other end – but we have no reason to do so, moreover, we feel guilty and ungrateful doing that.

We just need to verify the thinking we get, always, no matter if it seems “wrong” or “right” – it becomes ours when we experience its emotional consequences, not earlier that that. So whatever we are given must create some challenges that are meant to make us work on ourselves. When each of the parents has a different oppinion, their kids learn to manipulate; when the parents argue out loud, their kids feel unsafe, threatened; when the parents negotiate a common standpoint behind the kid’s back, he or she doesn’t learn how to make the perfect picture they witness, doesn’t get a tool to create it in the future, feels someone imperfect, failed, inept. When we don’t explain to children what and why they feel, we block their empathy and emotional growth; when we do, the child’s mind tries to take control over emotions, and we create a painful conflict between an adult’s intellect and the child’s emotions, we create a”should” that imprisons the child.

We can conclude that whatever we do, we create problems for others. Or we can conclude that whatever we do, we create opportunities for others to grow. We are programmed to grow, our consciousness must expand, whatever we meet in life serves this purpose. And whatever we do to others, creates something to cope with for them independently from our intentions. We often feel guilty for this reason, but it is meant to be this way, it is a gift that frees us from fear, even if it hurts at the moment. Perfect parents that don’t make their children suffer don’t exist, cannot exist; many life choices are based on calculating pain that we cannot avoid, we just may decide we take a bitter medicine now and we get a chance to get well or we reject a bitterness shutting a door to health. Perfect parents seem to be the ones who can dose real hardships to their children accordingly to their preparedness – not to break them, but to strenghten them, to help them define themselves and uncover their power.

We believe that parents teach children everything, and we are often surprised that the children can differ so much from what was a standard in their family. In fact parents pass forward not algorithms, not certain abilities, not even a behavior, but a way of thinking that they are usually not conscious of. Parents send further their thinking that some things are not a problem – on this field their children learn naturally and without limits – and that something is out of reach – on this field the kids often don’t even try, it is blocked in them. The way of thinking is stronger than genes and predispositions, it can conquer real, physical limitations or can deactivate gifts we were born with. And this is the only way we are responsible towards others: what we do with our way of thinking, with limits within it, directly influences others. We can’t shape our children accordingly to our dreams, they always become a mirror of our way of thinking, they reflect the limits we keep there, and they reflect the idea what being the perfect parents mean to us. We can’t control anyone in the world with our will, but we can benefit everyone with an effort we put in getting rid of all the false assumptions about limits from our own mind.