The more wounds we keep within our self-Love, the more we are focused on self-protection, on our own feelings only, not seeing the feelings of others. When other people entrust something intimate to us, when they share their weaknesses, it triggers our compassion automatically – but what we do with it later is our choice. We can reply of Love, sharing our intimacy too, risking to become vulnerable equally, risking to lose our advantage of control – or we can reply of fear, using it to uplift the ego, to strenghten the image, to show it off; then we treat someone’s intimacy like a commodity and we use it instead of the own one in contact with others to cover our wounds – and constantly getting greedy for more, because the wounds are like black holes, they never get filled. They are not going to heal if we don’t risk to widen our perspective beyond own ego, if we don’t keep the “we” perspective against our fears, considering every choice from many points of view, not only from the ego.
Every parent has its own way to show their Love that depends on what they lacked in their childhood – their children get what the parents needed once – so they consider as extremely important – not what the children do need: not the complete image of Love. Like every acting from a pattern it makes the children feel deprived of some shape of Love, make them feel not loved completely – what always means for them they are imperfect, not deserving it.
This way we learn to connect some lack of Love we experience with the self-worth, and this connection starts ruling our lives. We grow up with a specific definition of lack of Love that later we try to compensate to our children exactly as our parents did to us; moreover, it is also what all the life we try to get from other people, like believeing it is the only lacking puzzle piece to get to become happy, to feel loved completely. We expect others to remove the doubt about our self-worth engraved in our minds and it is like the only language we understand. Everyone who speaks this language is a potential donor, a redeemer, so we don’t want to lose this chance by all costs. Literally – all our healthy instincts stop working, we are like a moth flying to a flame, ready to sell everything to get that something, that shape of Love we didn’t get as the children. And we do sell ourselves – our boundaries, our dignity, our self-respect, our feeling well – just to get a crumb of this illusional picture recorded in the mind in the childhood as the condition to feel loved completely.
We copy the parental pattern trying to give other people what we need and getting from them what they need, so never getting satisfied, fulfilled, happy – for never speaking the same language, never defining Love the same way, never making it complete. Others can’t make us happy by giving us what we lack and want the way we assume it – but doing it they can help us get free from the false connection: making us feel unhappy while getting what we chase, making us understand that no shape of Love can make us happy until it is partial, no matter which one it is. For Love is true only when it is complete, every fear distorts it, wastes its power.
It means we need to face the Truth that there is no remedy for our lacks of the self-Love outside; simply – we can’t get a proof for what we don’t believe in fact. The only way we can get happy and feel loved completely is removing the false records about our imperfections and reasons we don’t deserve Love. When we act against fears and doubts from the childhood, when we question our old random beliefs about who we are, we can totally identify with Love and then all our desires and expectations fade and disappear – we stop trading with others, we start to shine the Love we are. For as long we seek the proofs, we wander, we sell ourselves and we harm others; as long we seek the proofs, we doubt – and Love is an outcome of faith.
We are one, like a team – whatever we do, it influences others, it changes the environment for them, it makes endless ripple effects by triggering either their fear or their Love they send further. Every our action and reaction feeds some energy – we are powerful way more than we believe. Just since we don’t believe in this power, we play with it like a child with a real magic wand, not understanding outcomes we create.
Consciously we can use our power to heal ourselves and to empower others to do the same, but it needs our effort, commitment and persistence to separate what is true and what is false in our thinking to feed only the beneficial, to activate pure Love in us to make it work. When we fear, we kill – as animals as humans, as physically as emotionally. Our fears, the ego, pushes us to use our power against others, not for them; we believe we do it in self-defense and we kill in this imaginary fight. Our fears make us kill others emotionally by denying their feelings, and make us kill the Self blocking the channel for Love, the connection between ourselves and others, the relationships with other people that make us grow and heal; our fears make us lonely Don Quixotes fighting with windmills.
Who we are doesn’t depend on how we treat one person like our honesty can’t be described with what we do on Wednesdays. It is always about the general way of thinking, and others have their fixed place in it. No matter it is a relationship with the parents, friends, partners or children, sooner or later it tends to fulfil the general script of who people are for us. What we use to do to others, we finally do to everyone. Every our relationship mirrors the “we” with others that is fixed in the mind and sometimes that pattern limits our relationships to substitutes, making us keep others far away from us not to get hurt by them despite it makes us suffer from loneliness.
We can’t be happy without satisfying relationships with others and we can’t have satisfying relationships without making others feel loved – and we can’t make people feel loved if we harm them of fear to not get hurt, trying to control everything possible. Like when we create some image of the person for our needs that we care much more about than about who they really are; like when we love pictures, memories and reminders much more than we care about how they feel indeed; like when we want to show off so much that we forget about all the others it can wound; like when we are focused on proving our own worth so much that nothing and nobody else matters – whatsoever picture we create, using only the perspective of “I” we are not able to make others feel loved, for Love means the perspective of “we”, the loyalty to this “we”.
Creating the “we” is not about taking sides, becuse taking someone’s side means not taking someone else’s side, is giving to the one person at the expense of the other, is creating some “we” that doesn’t stem from feeling equality and oneness, but from making a momentary coalition to win more for own ego. The true “we” stems from Love, from respecting feelings of all and it never causes conflicts – regardless of situation it makes people feel treated fair, with Love and care, and awakes their understanding, their Love that is seeing from a bird’s eye view, not through filters of own limited perspective – the fears that make us strike out.
The only “we” that is true, everlasting and benefiting everyone is the “we” that respects perspective of all involved people, all the points of view, all the feelings – but for the common good, not for everyone’s contentment. We are like a team, we can’t win anything for ourselves impoverishing other team’s members.
Society values altruists as good, egoists as bad ones. In fact both are programmed behaviors; both want to get something from others just using a different way of control. So called egoists directly want to gain as much as possible for themselves at the expense of others, so called altruists want the same, but not directly, just in a more sophisticated way – sacrificing a part of themselves to force or bind others to make them give what the altruists want to take. Both kinds do it of fear, trying to fill a kind of a black hole in the self-Love, trying to collect proofs for what they don’t believe in: trying to get Love by force or manipulation, by stealing or hidden trading, because they don’t believe they deserve it and can get it in the natural straight way, just being as they are. Both get unhappy – the egoists always finally get rejected as those who can’t stop cheating and converting to get more, the altruists die emotionally from disappointment as those who sliced a part of themselves off to sell it for something else in vain.
We need to feel hunger to appreciate food, we need to work to appreciate a rest. To choose freely, not being prisoned by a random pattern we need to become what we were not taught to be to experience we are complete in fact. We need to reach the other end of what we are not to blow up the pattern and to find a balance, the truth of who we are that is in between, in almightiness; the truth that is out of our reach until we fear to leave the only extremum we know, the pattern that makes us feel like keeping control.
It is hard and scary, so we get the most excited when we meet the others who seem to fulfil our ego’s dream, seem to be willing to complete us – to do for us what we refuse to do for ourselves, who seem to be happy to relieve us. It is an illusion – if we agree that one side is giving and the other is taking – in anything – we create a relationship between the altruist and the egoist where no one ever gets enough to feel happy, loved, powerful; where the altruist sacrifices more and more, and the egoist takes more and more, endlessly, harming each other. For we get happy not when we receive and become dependent and greedy, but when we start producing and feel our power; the first turns up our fear, the second frees us from it.
Only when we put the line exactly between egoistic and altruistc way of thinking, only when we treat all the feelings and boundaries – own and others’ – equally, we can help each other find the Truth about who we are, we can make others feel loved and we can feel the Love others give us. Only if we share the inner space – our thoughts and feelings – equally, we trigger each other’s growth, making the relationship deeper, better and more satisfying, creating true closeness, allowing the Love to act in our lives.